Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

This is a list of the some of the clever or funny things the people I spend time with have said. It is by no means exhaustive, or even wildly accurate. Pretty much everything is also taken cruelly out of context to make it funnier than it ought to be. But then I'm sure you spotted that for yourselves! So, are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I shall begin...

The Oxford Years

Juliet: "You couldn't even find the resealable tab on your raisin package!!"
Dave: "Yes, it's see-through! I think that's pretty good camouflage. I found it later cos it's got the word 'resealable' on it..."

Alys: "I'm as nerdy as that guy and I can wrote a program to prove it!"

The Cambridge Years

Disclaimer: John Booth would like it pointed out that he is not actually the violent and vindictive person he appears from this choice of quotes. He's actually a lovely sweet guy who cherishes the trees, the flowers and all of the little furry animals. Aww!

Nicki: " I'm a mutant caterpillar! Look, I can go away until I'm only three inches tall!!"

Laura: "The mind is willing, but the knob is non-existent."

Graham: "We could make a molecular simulation of the pigs...?"

JK: "How do I turn this into a minus sign?!
Graham: "Make an odd number of sign errors?"

Laura: "Well, he's not Satan incarnate..."
Iain: "Just one of his happy little helpers!!

Simon:"Some of the time it works, and some of the time it doesn't... but theory predicts that it might... so...?"

Laura: "Boo!"
Graham: "Eek!"

Laura: "Hamsters are particularly nice because they're about the same size as a hand."
Jon: "A ham?! <pause for thought> Is that why they're called hamsters?"

Nathan: "I haven't had any Britney action for weeks!"

Graham: "Are okapi fierce?"
Laura: "Not unless you're a leaf."
Graham: "Ah. So the chances of getting nibbled to death by one are quite slim.
Unless you're a leaf."

JK: "...You can't imagine why you didn't feed squirrels doped crisps and then paint them blue at school?!"

Nicki: "Does he come when you say "heel"?"
Big Dave: "Could be rather embarrassing in a shoeshop...!"

Nicki: "Oh, the joy that is clean knickers..."

John: "Why don't you just go throw yourself off a cliff??"
Graham: "There aren't any cliffs in Cambridge... d'you think that means there are a lot of very frustrated lemmings?!"

Laura: "Why are we here?"
John: "...We're doing physics, not philosophy!!"

During standard discussion of the attraction of Rob versus throwing oneself under a bus:
Helen: "At least the bus would be a decent size!"

Andy (sleepily):"I'm a tiger! Miaow...."

Laura: "No, I do not carry all of my lecture notes around with me. I don't need the excess baggage."
Graham: "Excess baggage?!? Surely you mean Handy Reference Material!"

Nicki (to Elton John at his concert, about 100 metres from the stage):

Graham: "You can have H-minus ions!"
Laura: "Yes, but not very many of them!"
Graham: "No. I don't think they taste very nice either."

John: Have you managed any (physics) questions yet?
Graham: Questions? Questions? I don't do questions! Got more important things on my mind! Parrot things! Not fit for human contemplation! <SQUARK>

Nicki: "...So, I was like, 'Wahey, wahey, rah, rah, rah!' and then by the end I was a little bit 'wiheeeeeeeeee!!'"

Laura: <purrs>
Andy: "You're like a friend, a lover, and a housepet, aren't you?

Nathan: "I don't think she's much like a house cat, really. Something more dangerous. A tiger, or a leopard."
Andy: "A marmot?"

Helen: "I never snog girls unless they have something I want in their mouths!"

Laura (pointing out a woman with violent red hair): "Wow, have you seen her hair?!"
Daddy: "Yes. I don't think it's natural, though. It doesn't match her beard."

Juliet (following a complaint by me that she was interrupting my optics revision):
"I really don't need to know about your 'complementary apertures' thank you very much!"

Graham: "We have very stubborn cows."

Simon: "So, Alex, will you be my gay lover?"
Alex: "Yeah, alright. I'm easy"

Helen Light: "When you're <hic> straaange..."

Laura (on the subject of Nicki's decision to give up chocolate for Lent): "How's your Lent resolution thing going?"
Nicki: "Well....it's been rephrased."

Simon (during discussion of that funny thing he does to peoples knees - apparently he likes the sensation a LOT) "Apparently if you sneeze eight times it's the equivalent to and orgasm, so I was thinking that if you did this lots, and...."
Nicki "You'd make a hell of a mess."

John (in a threatening tone of voice): "Graham, have you ever wondered what it feels like to know for certain that you are experiencing the last few moments of your life?"
Graham: "Ah, well, I was stuck in a ditch once...."

Nicki: "I'm NOT clueless, I'm just special!"

Cassandra (having been accused of consistently showing a little too much interest in the whereabouts and status of the most recent object of her desire):
"I'm not obsessed. I'm just a caring person. Very caring."

Big Dave: "So, while we're doing the girl's night out thing, may I take the opportunity to ask the big question...does size actually matter?!"

Shag: "Come, come, come, come....."
Nicki:"You're going to have to try harder than that, young man!"

During a "maths party" late at night, deadline approaching...
John: "...So, where exactly did you get that plus sign from?"
Graham: "Ah, I sort of accidentally added a line to the minus sign."
John: "Yes, that often happens to my minus signs. It can hardly be considered a rigorous proof, then."
Graham: "...You seem a bit sceptical."

Alex (During a discussion of Belgium's accessibility to being attacked via the land on all sides):
"Yeah, they've not got much of a navy..."

Mark (alias "The Evil Thark"): "The wall tried to grab me...but I got away! So I threw myself on the floor because... the floor moves too, you see...(sinister hushed tone)...but you can't fall off it..."

Nathan: (by the way, I still haven't forgiven you for this, Nat! - ed.) "So, who would you most like to see Laura having lesbian sex with?"
Andy: "Me!"

Graham: "Mummy's got some new cats. She's been keeping them in a box, but she's allowed to let them out now, and she says they're really quite ...nice! "

Nicki: "It can't be an orgy, they're all men. Or if it is it's a very boring one."

Mrs. Woollam (head of music at my school): "Arguing with you, Laura, is like arguing with a duvet."

Daddy: "Orang-utans cannot barbeque."

Nicki: "I like shaving men's legs best. I like tying them down and carving little shapes out..."

(During a physics practical)
Laura: What do we do now, Graham?
Graham: We have to put this paraffin in that big beaker
Laura: (Tone of confused pathos) But that beaker already has water in it!
Graham: Well....yes. But we have the technology to overcome that. <pours water down the sink>

JK: "Hmmmm."

Chris (on the suject of Graham's web page): "You know, Graham, that really is quite the most revolting shade of green I've ever seen."
Graham: "It's not green, it's yellow. I definitely programmed it to be yellow."

Andy: "Meeep!"

Laura: "You know, he was a lot nicer before he found Jesus...."

Juliet: "If I was going to have lesbian sex with anyone, it would probably be you.

Chris: "Does it make you heavy, baaby, does it?"
(Comment on a large calorie intake. Mine)

Laura: "How do you do question 10?"
Graham: "Mmmm, I don't know. Why don't you....ask a policeman? Phone a friend? Go to your local supermarket?!"

Helen Light (on some man's pulling technique): "It's like kissing a slug on speed!"

Nicki: "I've got into enough trouble with my tongue today."

Mrs. Woollam (watching me exercise my iron will on a small group of young clarinettists): "That girl is going to grow up to become the dictator of a small island."

During another exciting "maths party":
John: "You two are both mongbats."
Graham, perkily: "Why, thank you, Thing!"

Laura: "I'm not going to do strips anymore.
I shall do chunks instead."

Cassandra (trying her hand at persuasion): "...but I'm your icklest, wicklest, ickle-wicle baby sister!!"

John: "You naughty lettuce!"

Andy: "I don't like caff fish - they put bones in it."

Juliet: " I don't understand this. What I want is for Mrs. Lock (much loved school maths teacher) to walk in and teach us this. You knew where you were with Mrs. Lock. Confused, generally, but...."

Laura (on the state of the cambridge water supply): "I like my water see-through"

Graham: "Goldfish are VERY nice!"

Rob: "I don't care if you don't fancy me.
But I know you do."

Davinia: "SEX!! Oh, no, you're not still recording are you?!"

Graham (following a really enjoyable rant from me on the subject of the non-operation of ICQ 99b in win2K): "Well, then I suggest that you should write all of your messages in Microsoft Word, spellcheck them, and then transfer them all into..."
John: "Graham, go and shoot yourself. Please. Do the world a favour."